Don't leave me this way
by DonEmilia
Summary: Jack's world falls apart when Sam becomes a host to a Goa'uld (SJ eventually, as always) COMPLETE!
1. Paler

TITLE: Don't leave me this way  
  
PAIRING: J/S  
  
SPOILERS: None at the moment, but I'll let you know if there's any later  
  
SEASON: Future  
  
RATING: G at the moment, but I'll let you know if it goes up  
  
DISCLAIMER: It's not mine; I wish it was, it belongs to MGM, World Gekko Corp, yadda, yadda, yadda. The only thing that belongs to me is the story *sniff.  
  
AUTHORS NOTES: Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed 'You and Me Tonight', you really made my day. I might do a sequel some other time, but at the moment I'm doing this. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoy!  
  
Chapter 1 - Paler  
  
She's looking a lot paler these days. I've noticed that. She looks a lot more drawn than usual, and more tired. I should go and see if there is something wrong, I know I should, but if I do, I might have to acknowledge the fact that there is something wrong. Don't get me wrong, I'd do anything to help her, but if I tried, I'd probably end up saying the wrong thing, or even worse, telling her how I feel.  
  
I wish I could tell her how I feel, I really do. It's nothing to do with the damn regs, really it isn't, it's because I know it will come out wrong, and I'll look like an idiot. I love her so much; I want to get it just right. She deserves that much, but I've never really been that good at expressing feelings, and year of Black Ops training meant I got even better at it.  
  
Besides, she probably doesn't even feel the same way. Why would she? She's beautiful, smart, and funny, she could have any man she wanted. Why would she choose some washed up old colonel, just inches away from retirement? She won't, that's the answer.  
  
She's standing in the doorway. I don't know how long she's been there; I've only just noticed her. She's so beautiful. She still looks tired though. Tired and pale.  
  
"Carter, what's up?" I try to sound casual, but the truth is she's really worrying me now. She stands silently, looking like she's trying to say something, but having great difficulty.  
  
"I...I've, er... been to the infirmary sir. I've been feeling kind of run down lately and er... I wanted to check, in case something was wrong" She's really worrying me now. Before, when I thought she looked tired, I could just tell myself she was overdoing it a bit, and she would be alright. But if she's noticing it as well... God, please don't let anything happen to her.  
  
I tell myself she's fine, and that I'm overreacting. She still hasn't said anything else though. "Carter? Are you OK?" god, my voice is shaking! Stop it, I tell myself. She sinks down in to the chair beside me, looking even more pale and tired. Panic stars to rise in the pit of my stomach, despite me telling it to stop.  
  
She starts to cry. Oh my god, what's wrong with her? This is driving me crazy. She tries to stifle the sobs, but they just keep coming. She's getting angry with herself now, angry for crying, for showing weakness in front of me.  
  
"Carter..." I look in to her eyes, still shining from crying, and rest my hand on hers. I know I shouldn't, but she's in so much pain, and I just want to make her better. "Please tell me what's wrong".  
  
She runs her remaining hand through her hair, and takes a deep breath. "I er... well I've been feeling at bit... tired, lately, and it was starting to worry me. So I went to see Janet, and she ran some tests, and, oh god..."  
  
I squeeze her hand slightly. She smiles at me, just a little, but not a real smile, one of those brave smiles she puts on to try and convince everyone she's fine. She doesn't realize I see right through it. She takes another deep breath, and looks at the floor, once again trying to hide the tears in her eyes. She looks at me again.  
  
"I have cancer, sir. I'm dying".  
  
TBC  
  
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Well what did you think? Should I carry on or not? Please r&r, and let me know! Thanks!!! 


	2. Dying

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far, I'm sitting on my PC, and it's a choice of doing this or maths homework, so guess which one won? Lol Anyway, without further ado, here's chapter 2 – let me know what you think.  
  
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Chapter 2 – Dying  
  
"I have cancer, sir. I'm dying".  
  
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Dying. She was dying. After years of fighting against the worst evil in the universe, it was cancer that was going to make her meet an untimely end. Damn Cancer! I want to scream to the world. Damn the whole thing to hell!  
  
I pick up a pile of folders, and throw them against the wall. She's leaving me, leaving me, because of damn cancer! Realizing what I just did, I go to pick them up. I can feel the sobs coming, and plead with my body to make them stop. I can't let them see me like this. I just can't. I have to be strong, for her.  
  
She can't know the way I'm feeling. Now, just stand up straight, keep the emotions in check, and be strong, for her. The problem is though, I don't want to. I want to throw my arms around her, and tell her that I'll make it better, I'll find someway to make things OK again. But I can't. She shouldn't find out this way.  
  
And the thought that scare me the most is, I can't make it better, I can't make it OK. She's dying, and there's nothing I can do.  
  
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Dying. I'm dying. No matter how many times I say the words to myself, they never seem quite real. I feel like I'm still dreaming. I make a silent prayer to myself: please let me wake up; please let me find out this is all some horrible dream.  
  
I haven't seen Jack since I told him. The one person I want, more than anyone else is him. I want him to throw his arms around me, and tell me that he'll make it better, that everything will be OK. Nothing can make this better though. Nothing will make me OK.  
  
No one knows what to say to me. Daniel and Janet hover round me, asking if I need anything. I need Jack, but no one seems to realize that. Suddenly I hate them, and the craziest thing is, I hate them for not being Jack. Then I start to hate myself for feeling this way.  
  
Teal'c is his usual grave self. General Hammond has locked himself in his office, and refused to talk to anyone. Why must they treat me like this? I want everything to go on as normal, not be reminded by all the pitying looks. I want to scream at them, to stop looking at me like that, that it won't change anything; I'm still going to die.  
  
I've never felt a loss of control like this before. I've always been good old reliable Major Carter, who is always in control, always on top of things. I hate this feeling of helplessness, the knowledge that I can't do anything.  
  
The anger suddenly changes to fear. A deep uncontrollable terror, that makes me want to scream and shout. I'm shaking all over. It still isn't happening to me, it's still all a dream. But what scares me most of all, is that pretty soon I'll realize. This is no dream.  
  
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I can't believe she's leaving me. Of all the things that have happened to me – Sha're dying, me dying, Sam has always been the only constant: one of the only people I can rely on to always be around. I can't believe she's leaving me.  
  
I can't believe I'm being so selfish. Thinking of myself, when Sam's going to... I still can't bring myself to say it. My mind suddenly turns to Jack, and how he must be feeling through all of this. I know he loves her, he always has done. He's pretty good at hiding things, but the way he looks at her, it's obvious, even to Teal'c.  
  
I have to do something. I have to feel like I'm helping in some way, otherwise I'll go mad. This is why I'm sitting at the dialing computer, trying desperately to help.  
  
Finally I get through, and send the message, my voice still shaking, as I say "This is Daniel Jackson of the SGC. I desperately need to talk to Jacob Carter".  
  
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She's dying. My little baby girl is dying. It seems so unfair; I want to punch a hole right through the wall. A parent should never have to outlive their children. It hurt so much when her mother died, and I know this is going to hurt so much more.  
  
I love her so much; I can't stand the thought that I might not see her anymore. We've had our ups and downs, but at the end of it all, she was there. When her mother died, she was the strong one, the one who held everything together when I fell apart. When Mark stopped talking to me, she was the one who made us patch things up. When I found out I was dying, she saved my life, in more ways than one.  
  
Well, now it's time for me to help her. Now it's time for me to pay it all back. I'm not going to let my daughter go, not without a hell of a fight.  
  
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They're all crowding round me again, their faces all joined in pity. Even Jack is there. I want to run to him, have him hold me in his arms, but he's right at the back, hiding away from me. He's not even looking at me. I feel so useless.  
  
My dad is here. He looks terrible. He's come with some of his Tok'ra friends, and they give me the pity look as well.  
  
"Sam?" My dad says, trying desperately to hold back the tears. "We er... we looked at your scan, and well, the healing device won't work. The tumor's too far gone". He clears his throat, and shifts his weight from one foot to the other. "But... well... there is one thing..."  
  
"What? Dad, tell me... what?" He's frowning, and looking quite pale. He sits on the end of the bed, and puts his arm on my shoulder. "You're not going to like it" I scream inwardly: I don't care if I won't like it, anything, anything that means I can stay here.  
  
"Dad, just tell me" He takes a deep breath, and sighs.  
  
"We want to give you a symbiote" He says.  
  
"OK" I say.  
  
TBC  
  
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You know the drill, please R&R, and tell me what you think, or I won't write anymore. You have been warned, lol!!! 


	3. Regret

Thanks for the reviews. Some people spotted some spelling mistakes – if anyone is interested in beta-ing please let me know. I don't have much to offer in return, just a pc that only works some of the time, but I could do some beta-ing in return. I think this chapter's kinda boring, but it is necessary for the story, so please be nice. Anyway, here's chapter 3!!  
  
Chapter 3 – Regret  
  
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"We want to give you a symbiote" He says.  
  
"OK" I say.  
  
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OK. The word was out of my mouth before I even had time to think. All I thought of was that this was a chance to stay with everyone I loved, and I took it. Now, in the cold light of day, I'm beginning to realize how serious what I agreed to is. And the fear is greater than the fear of dying.  
  
I wanted to scream to everyone that this isn't what I want, I want to tell them all how scared I am, but they're all so relieved that I'm not going to die, I can't break their hearts.  
  
So before I knew what I was doing, I'd agreed – they were going to implant a Tok'ra in to me, it was going to heal me then leave once it finds a host. Nothing to worry about. So why do I feel this overwhelming terror inside?  
  
I haven't seen Jack since my dad came. He disappeared after I agreed to it, and I haven't seen him since. He still remembers Kanan. The guilt I felt after convincing him to do it – I never want to feel that way again.  
  
I don't know if he blamed me or not, he never said anything, but he's not exactly a man who confesses feeling a lot. I couldn't bear it if he still blames me. I couldn't bear it, because I love him so much.  
  
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She's going to have one of those god damn snakes put in her. I couldn't believe it. When she said OK, I had to leave the room. I couldn't stand the thought that Sam, my Sam, was going to become one of those snakeheads.  
  
The thing that scared me the most though, is that, despite all the revulsion I feel that she's going to become one of those things, there is a part of me that is so relieved she's not leaving me, that she will still be around. And that part of me, I hate more than any other.  
  
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"Her name's Madrigal. She's a scientist – I think you'll really like her Sam" My dad is trying desperately to cheer me up. I think he knows in his heart I'm not sure about this, but is so caught up in the fact that this will save my life, he won't tell me.  
  
"She's been a member of the Tok'ra for over 600 years. She is one of the most respected members, and the most hated by the Goa'uld. I think you'll really learn a lot from her. I mean, er... that is, in the time that you're blended... before she finds a new host"  
  
He wants me to stay as a Tok'ra. So we can be together more often. I must admit, the prospect of spending more time with him, does invoke some interest in me. But the cost is too high. To have to stay a host to one of those things, I really don't want to think about it.  
  
My dad is looking at me now. He knows something's wrong. "You know Sam, a symbiote can tell when something's wrong. And they won't blend with an unwilling host".  
  
"I know dad" I hear myself saying "but I'm OK with this, really" I give him one of my award winning smiles, the one that used to get me out of so much trouble when I was young, and he seems happy, for now.  
  
The thing that I don't understand at all is – why am I doing this? I'm so used to pleasing everybody, that now I can't stop it. Inside I'm screaming for someone to help me, but I know no one will. I don't want to go through with this, but now, it's too late. It's going to happen, and I can't stop it.  
  
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I'm sitting in my office, pretending to write some reports. There's nothing new about this, except this time, I have a genuine reason for not being able to concentrate. Sam. The whole thing leaves me so confused. If she comes back to SGC with one of those things in her head, I don't think I could stand it. I couldn't bear to see her like that.  
  
She's standing outside my door again. Without looking up, I yell, "What is it Major?" She walks in nervously, her head down.  
  
"I thought I should let you know sir, I've agreed to the implantation. The Tok'ra are coming for me and my dad within the hour".  
  
"I see Major. Well, is there anything else?" As she stares at me incredulously, with a look of such hurt on her face, I feel like the biggest bastard in the known universe. But I can't tell her how I feel, I can't. Because then she might not go through with it, and then she'll die. And that would be worse than anything.  
  
"Is that all you want to say sir?" She says, her voice shaking slightly.  
  
"Yes Major, I think that will be all" She gives me a look of such hate, and runs out of the room. I can't stand it any longer. I want so badly to run to her, and put my arms around her, and tell her how sorry I am.  
  
But I can't. I made this bed, and now I have to lie in it.  
  
TBC  
  
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Wow that got really angsty by the end, didn't it? Let me know what you think anyway. Thanks!!!!! 


	4. Taking Over

Thanks for the reviews, I had a great April Fools Day – I pranked all my friends, so I'm in a happy mood, which hopefully means the next chapter won't be so depressing. Please R n R!  
  
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"Yes Major, I think that will be all" She gives me a look of such hate, and runs out of the room. I can't stand it any longer. I want so badly to run to her, and put my arms around her, and tell her how sorry I am.  
  
But I can't. I made this bed, and now I have to lie in it.  
  
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Chapter 4 – Taking Over  
  
It hurts so much inside. I can't believe he doesn't care about me at all. And what hurts the most is that that reaction was because of either too things: he wanted to hurt me, or, he cares so little, he didn't even realize he was hurting me. I don't know which one feels worse.  
  
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I felt like such a bastard. I was so horrible to her. I hate myself. I try telling myself that is was for the best, and that she would forgive me, in time, but knowing I had hurt her so badly made me feel sick inside.  
  
I run to the gate room, knocking a few SFs out of the way, but I'm past caring. I have to tell her, before it's too late. I have to tell her that I'm sorry, and I never, ever wanted to hurt her.  
  
I get to the gate room, but the gate is just powering down. General Hammond walks up beside me, and puts his hand on my shoulder.  
  
"They left a few minutes ago, Colonel, I'm sorry".  
  
I'm too late. She's gone, and she might never know that I was sorry.  
  
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I'm at the Tok'ra base now. The fear is getting incontrollable. I watch them all looking at me, getting excited because I'm going to be one of them. I'm not going to be one of you, I cry inwardly. I'll never be one of you.  
  
We're reaching the infirmary now. I hug Daniel and Teal'c, and tell them both I love them, just incase it something goes wrong. Daniel insists nothing will go wrong, more trying to convince himself rather than me. Teal'c merely bows his head.  
  
My dad follows me in. I sit on the bed, the same one my dad lay on when he became a Tok'ra, and my whole body is now shaking. I insist to my dad it's just nerves, and he seems satisfied with this answer.  
  
I lie next to the host, and chat to her. I don't hear a word she says; my mind is now too foggy. The symbiote now talks to me, and I just nod when she pauses, like I'm concentrating, not hearing a word.  
  
She asks me if I'm sure, and I give her the same automated response I give my dad: that I'm fine, just nervous.  
  
She closes her eyes, and I close mine. I can barely breathe now. I feel the symbiote enter my body, and feel so sick, I want to throw up.  
  
"Jack" I whisper, feeling like I need him now more than I ever have. But he's not here. The tears fall slowly down my cheeks, my arms feeling too heavy to wipe them away.  
  
I lie, thinking about him, as the whole world fades to grey. Just before I fall asleep, I hear Daniel whisper to my father "What now?" I want to know the same thing, but it's getting harder to concentrate on the words.  
  
"Now we wait" He says.  
  
TBC  
  
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Sorry if it got a bit too graphic there, but what did you think? You know the drill, please R n R! 


	5. Infiltration

Thanks again for the reviews – they really mean a lot 2 me, I can't really think of anything else to say, so here's chapter 5!!  
  
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Just before I fall asleep, I hear Daniel whisper to my father "What now?" I want to know the same thing, but it's getting harder to concentrate on the words.  
  
"Now we wait" He says.  
  
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I sit at my desk, not even pretending to work. I feel like such a jerk, and it hurts so much, that I never told her I was sorry. I haven't heard anything yet, and I'm trying so hard to stem the thoughts going round my head about what might have happened to her.  
  
If anything does... I will never forgive myself. I never got the chance to tell her, that I'm sorry, and that I never want anything to happen, and that... I love her. There I said it. I love her. Please god, let her be OK, and I swear, I'll say it to her face. Just let her be OK.  
  
***  
  
The klaxon goes off, disturbing me from my musings. I don't dare to hope it's her. I wander along anyway, taking my time, because I don't think I can bear to go in the gate room, secretly hoping it's her, to have my hopes dashed when it isn't.  
  
This time however, I stroll into the gate room, and standing before me is her. Suddenly, I can't think of anything, except how much I want to put my arms around her, and tell her I love her.  
  
She stares at me, and I can tell the hurt is still there. Suddenly, everything that I wanted to say dissipates, and all that's left is the familiar feeling of anger that I have whenever I think of her with that snake in her head.  
  
She's looking at me, wondering why I'm still standing there, like an idiot. I stare at her. Something's different. I don't know what it is, but there's something in her eyes that's different. When she looks at me, she's not quite there. Well she is, but now there's someone else there. That snake. It's changed her, and now I feel like I'm losing her forever.  
  
She smiles at me now. Not a real smile, one of those unsure smiles. She's not really smiling though. It's a hollow smile that she doesn't realize I can see right through.  
  
"Colonel" She says curtly, and walks past me. She's still hurting. I want to scream at her to forgive me, that I didn't mean it, that I love her. But once again, I can't.  
  
***  
  
We're in the briefing room now. That snake is talking to General Hammond. I don't listen to a word it's saying. I can't. I want so much to see Sam, I want her to look at me, and talk to me, and smile at me. The real smile, not the fake one.  
  
She's speaking now, I want her to talk to me, but I know she's not going to. She finishes giving her little speech, and turns to address both of us.  
  
"General, Colonel... er... there's something I'd like to talk to you about. I'm er... I'm going to keep Madrigal. In the past few days, I've got to know her, and I've grown to have an awful lot of respect for her, and... I've grown to like her. With your permission, I'd like to stay at the SGC, and maybe act as a liaison between earth and the Tok'ra"  
  
She carries on explaining something to Hammond, but I can't concentrate anymore. She wants to stay with that snake in her head? No, no she can't. But I know she will.  
  
She knows how I feel about it. But she's still going to do it. I mean nothing to her. She doesn't care at all about how I feel. And that thought hurts more than anything.  
  
Hammond agrees, like I knew he would. I can't stand this any longer. She excuses herself from the room. I leave as well.  
  
I see her in the corridor. I call her, and she turns round, a look of disdain on her face, she hates me. Oh, god, she hates me.  
  
"Was there something you wanted, Colonel?" I get tongue tied again. I feel the anger rising inside me, and once again, I can't say it.  
  
"No, nothing at all" She turns on her heel, and carries on walking. It hurts so much. I turn as well, and walk towards my office.  
  
***  
  
I'm sitting in my office again, pretending to do something. It's been a few days now, and I still can't get used to it. She looks different, and I can't help the feeling that something's wrong. I know nothing is, apart from that snake, but I can't help the feeling even so.  
  
The klaxon goes off again, and I rise slowly to my feet, feeling too tired for all this. I consider going home early, but ironically my sense of duty gets the better of me.  
  
I walk to the gate room. It's the damn Tok'ra again. They're look really worried, which is unusual. I suddenly feel like I don't have time for this.  
  
"Where is Major Carter?" one says, his voice shaking. A tiny signal of panic goes off in my head.  
  
"The Tok'ra, Madrigal, before she came to Major Carter, she was on a mission, to infiltrate a Goa'uld system lord. But..." He takes another deep breath, "we recently received information that the Tok'ra Madrigal was killed on the mission. And... well there's only one person the symbiote could be..."  
  
"Just tell me will you" I'm getting tired with them.  
  
"Major Carter's symbiote is a Goa'uld".  
  
TBC  
  
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Ooooooh dern dern derrrrrrrrrn. Let me know if you want more!! 


	6. Betrayal

Wow had quite a few reviews for the last chapter, thanks for them. School's out for Easter now, so I might do a little more on this, BUT have exams in just over a month so it's probably wiser to be revising for them. Even so, I'll still try and get some done. Anyway, here's chapter 6!!  
  
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"Major Carter's symbiote is a Goa'uld".  
  
*** Chapter 6 – Betrayal  
  
This can't be happening. I keep telling my self this can't be happening. Not Sam. Not my Sam. When as the Damn Tok'ra told me everything, I refused to believe it. This kind of thing happened to other SG teams, not ours. Not Sam.  
  
I ran as fast as I could after they told me. I had to find her, I had to, just so I could know it wasn't true. It can't be true.  
  
I found her office, and she was in there, working as usual, and I thought everything was alright. The Tok'ra had got it wrong.  
  
But then she looked at me, and it was there again. That look in her eye, that wasn't her. And I knew what was wrong. It was a Goa'uld.  
  
"Colonel, is there something I can help you with?" She asks, innocently. My body is almost shaking with anger now. I have to keep my cool. She can't know I'm on to her.  
  
"Major, I'm going to need you to come with me please" I try to say normally, but now the anger has turned to fear, and it's threatening to take hold of me.  
  
"Why?" She says. She knows something's wrong. She can tell. She can hear it in my voice. I have no choice. I raise my gun to her. "Because we know you're a greasy ass Goa'uld" I say, my voice still shaking.  
  
Then something happens that I dread. Her eyes flash, and now I know for sure. She's a Goa'uld.  
  
"REALEASE ME NOW TAU'RI, AND I WILL SPARE YOUR LIFE" the snake says. I feel like crying.  
  
"Oh, there's not a chance in hell", I say, and although every part of my heart is resisting, I fire the Zat gun, and she falls to the floor.  
  
***  
  
The Tok'ra are doing their groveling routine now, saying how sorry they are, and explaining that the snake they gave Carter they thought was a Tok'ra.  
  
"Madrigal was on a mission to infiltrate a new Goa'uld system lord called Hera. When she returned a month ago, claiming she was Madrigal, we never questioned that. But yesterday, another Tok'ra operative was found, Madrigal's mate, who told us she was killed on that mission. General, I am so sorry" One of the Tok'ra is explaining. I want to yell at them to shut up. That this is all their fault, and I wish we'd never met them.  
  
I can't stand this anymore. I excuse myself to the General, and walk out of the briefing room. I don't know where I'm going; all I know is that I have to get out of that room. They're all driving me crazy, talking about her as if she's just some problem that they might be able to fix, but if they can't, it's not a big problem. They don't care. Not really.  
  
I knew something was wrong. I knew, and I didn't tell anyone. I could see something was different, but I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to look stupid. Sam has some Goa'uld in her gut, because I didn't want to look stupid.  
  
***  
  
I find myself outside the holding room where's she's being kept. This is too much like last time. The same feeling of helplessness, the same feeling of guilt, because I didn't do anything.  
  
I step in to the room. She's sitting down, but rises to stand when she sees me.  
  
"MY OFFER STILL STANDS. RELEASE ME, AND I MAY SPARE YOUR LIFE" she says.  
  
"I think you're on the wrong side of the bars to be making offers like that. But I'll make you a new deal. Get out of Carter, and I may, MAY, spare you're life".  
  
She laughs at me.  
  
"THIS ONE, IS SPECIAL TO YOU, ISN'T SHE? I CAN FEEL HER THOUGHTS. BEGGING ME TO SPARE YOUR LIFE, BECAUSE SHE KNOWS I WILL KILL YOU ALL" I can feel the anger rising inside me again, but I won't let that snake see it.  
  
Then it does what I knew it would do. Her head drops, and Sam is looking back at me.  
  
"Jack, please, help me" She weeps "I'm scared" But it doesn't work, because I know it's not her. Just like I did last time, I turn, and walk out.  
  
***  
  
I'm sitting in my office again. Feeling like throwing things at the wall again. Feeling helpless, again.  
  
The sense of repetitiveness is beginning to overwhelm me. I just want everything back to how it was. I want her to poke her head round my door, and ask if I'm going to lunch. I want to go in to her office, and find her playing with her doohickeys again, oblivious to how much time has passed.  
  
But most importantly, I want her.  
  
***  
  
The klaxon goes off again, disturbing me from my thoughts. There are people running around everywhere.  
  
Something's wrong. Something's definitely wrong. I get to the gate room, and the gate is just powering down. And then I see, there are people lying everywhere. Technicians, SFs, Soldiers. They're dead. They're all dead. I feel sick as I realize who's done this.  
  
I go to the computers upstairs, and Hammond is standing there gravely, looking out over the gate room, at everything she's done. He turns to me. I've never seen him look this way before.  
  
"Colonel, the Goa'uld escaped. She overpowered the guard in the holding room, I'm not sure how, and then managed to get through the gate. She's locked the address out of the computer, so we don't know where she went" He pauses, and takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry Colonel, but Sam's gone".  
  
TBC *******************************************************************  
  
Oooh!!! Let me know if you want me to carry on, and please R n R. I appreciate constructive criticism, and advice. Thanks for reading!! 


	7. Empty

Hia, thanks for the reviews, only a short chapter, because I'm going through a bit of a family crisis at the moment, so sorry. Anyway, here's chapter 7 – very angsty!!  
  
*** "I'm sorry Colonel, but Sam's gone".  
  
*** Chapter 7 – Empty  
  
It's been nearly a year since she went. For the first six months or so, we sent out hundreds of SG teams, SG1 included to hundreds of different planets, but we never found her.  
  
That feeling of helplessness got worse and worse after she left. I was always so used to being in control, and now, suddenly, there's nothing I can do, and I hate knowing that.  
  
I still hold on to the hope that we'll find her. Daniel and Teal'c do too. But everybody else has given up. She's just another MIA to them, someone who is a sad loss, but everything will carry on as normal, it's not a big deal.  
  
I can't carry on at this place. I see her everywhere, in the corridors, in the gate room. I nearly put my head round her office door yesterday, to ask if she was going to lunch. When I remembered it was closed and locked, and had been for eleven months, it was nearly as bad as losing her all over again.  
  
It's the not knowing that's the worst. She's out there somewhere, but I don't know if she's dead, or alive. I don't know if she's in pain, or if she doesn't feel anything. I could sit here, waiting, for years, and never hear anything. And that thought scares me to death.  
  
I'm used to colleagues, even friends, going MIA. It's all part of the job, when you work in black ops. But losing Sam, I've never felt like this before. I've never felt so... empty, inside.  
  
***  
  
I got a call from General Hammond a few moments ago. I know what this is going to be about; I've been expecting it for months. But it won't make hearing it any less hard.  
  
I knock on the door, and go in. he looks at me, in that pitying, understanding way he's suddenly adopted that drives me crazy.  
  
"Sit down, Colonel" He says, taking in a breath. "I'm, um... well, Major Carter has been missing for nearly a year now, and er... the president thinks we should move on, and er... he wants me to assign a new team member to SG1". He pauses, waiting for me to answer. You can tell he's expecting me to start yelling, by the nervous look in his eyes.  
  
"You're going to need to find two new members, sir" I say to him. He looks at me, confused.  
  
"I've decided to retire. To be honest sir, I'm sick of this, I'm sick of all of it. I don't think I can carry on working here. You'll have my resignation on your desk first thing tomorrow"  
  
With that, I turn and walk out. He's calling me back in, but I can't face this anymore. I walk as quickly as I can out of the base, and drive at break neck speed home. Once I'm home, I collapse on to the sofa, and rest my head in my hands. The sods shake my whole body, and I'm too tired to fight them any more.  
  
God Sam, please come back. I love you so much, please come back.  
  
TBC  
  
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Wow got really emotional writing that. Sorry for depressing people, but I'm in a really unhappy mood at the moment, and I don't feel like writing happy things. As always, please R n R! 


	8. Dreaming

Hia, thanks for the reviews for the last chapter – sorry it was short; I think this one will be as well, but they are necessary for the story. ****  
  
Chapter 8 – Dreaming  
  
It's been three months since I left. I don't know whether I regret it or not. Some days I really wish I was still there, and some days, I remember why I left, and I don't. I've been living the same way, doing the same thing every day, since she left. I get up, watch TV, eat if I feel like it, have a couple of beers, and fall asleep on the sofa, where I wake up the next day.  
  
I know I'm throwing my life away, but I just feel too tired to do anything else. Besides, what's the point? What's the point in trying, if she's not there?  
  
Daniel and Teal'c call round once in a while, just to let me know what's going on at the base, but since I really don't care, they've kind of drifted away. I do miss them, but I can't see the point in depressing them by keeping in contact with them. Just because I feel like this is no reason to inflict it on other people.  
  
I consider going up to the cabin for a while, but I don't even want to leave the house. I think I'm still clinging on to that one hope that she might come back, even though I know in my heart that she won't.  
  
I dream about her sometimes. I dreamt about her last night. She was here, and we were together, and I was happier than I had ever felt. And then I woke up, and it was like losing her again.  
  
I know I need to get my life sorted. I can't carry on like this. But the thing is, I can't see any point.  
  
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Malek ran as fast as he could across the grassy field. Three Jaffa were in hot pursuit, but he wasn't going to let them catch him. He had come too far to let that happen. He had to get this message to the Tau'ri, and he wasn't going to stop until it was delivered.  
  
Making his way to the DHD, he typed in earth's address as fast as he could, and punched in the number of his GDO.  
  
He leapt through the Gate, narrowly missing a staff blast as he disappeared through.  
  
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Jack's been gone for a few months. People hadn't got over losing Sam, and now his retiring has really made the SGC go in to mourning – in the space of a year we lost the two best officers in the mountain.  
  
Teal'c and I go to see him sometimes, but he's not really interest. He looks terrible. He doesn't eat, doesn't sleep. Losing Sam hit him harder than any of us. And why wouldn't it? It's obvious to everyone how much he loves her, and I know she loves him as well.  
  
I don't know whether to say loves, or loved. I don't know where she is, or if she's dead or alive. And it's killing me. I love her too, not in the same way as Jack though, and to me and Teal'c, it's like losing a little sister.  
  
The gate springing in to action wakes me from my thoughts. The technicians go to the computers. One of them shouts up "Receiving IDC sir. It's the Tok'ra" Anger rises through me. It's the same feeling everyone gets whenever the Tok'ra come nowadays. After all that's happened, no one trusts them anymore, not even me.  
  
The iris opens. A Tok'ra comes jumping through, crying immediately "Close the Iris!" The iris closes, and we hear the weapons fire resonating on the titanium shield.  
  
He looks up, and yells "I need to speak with General Hammond. Immediately!"  
  
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There's a knock at my door. I get up, sending a couple of beer bottles flying as I go. It's Daniel and Teal'c. I really don't want to talk to them, and I'm about to yell at them to go away, when I see General Hammond is also with them.  
  
He hasn't been to see me since I walked out. This intrigues me, so I opened the door.  
  
Daniel is looking kind of excited. I really don't have time for this right now.  
  
"Jack!" He says.  
  
"What?" I snap, a little more coldly than I meant to.  
  
"We've had a message from the Tok'ra. They know where she is" Reading my blank look wrongly, he continues.  
  
"Jack – they've found Sam!"  
  
TBC  
  
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As always, please R n R! 


	9. Hope

Thanks you to everyone for reading and reviewing. Have been told by a reliable source there is no such word as 'angsty' but I think it describes this fic so well, lol!! Anyway, problems at home seemed to be winding down, but I'm not going to be in tonight, so I'm posting it now. Enjoy!!  
  
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"Jack – they've found Sam!"  
  
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Chapter 9 - Hope  
  
What they said still hasn't sunken in yet. I've gone on to autopilot – I put my coat on, grab my keys, drive to the mountain, but I don't remember any of it. My mind is still reeling from what Daniel told me.  
  
They've found her! They've found my Sam. I tell myself not to get my hopes up, I mean, just because they found her, doesn't mean she's OK. But I can't help myself. They found her! Everything's going to be alright.  
  
We get to the briefing room. Jacob and a few other Tok'ra are already there. Jacob looks the same as I do – he's trying to contain the excitement, because he knows this isn't over yet, but he's fighting a losing battle.  
  
"Alright, what have we got?" I say, trying to sound professional. The Tok'ra called Malek answers me.  
  
"MAJOR CARTER AND THE SYMBIOTE HAVE BEEN SPOTTED ON A PLANET CALLED RASH'NA. MAJOR CARTER IS HOST TO THE GOA'ULD SYSTEM LORD HERA, WHO WAS BELIEVED DEAD SOME HUNDRED YEARS AGO". Usually here I would make some kind of quip about Tok'ra incompetence, but the shock is too great. Carter – is a system lord? Daniel stands up now.  
  
"I've er... been doing a bit of research. Hera is originally from Ancient Greek mythology – she was Zeus' wife, and er... not a nice lady. Extremely jealous of all her husband's lovers, she often murdered them and any offspring they bore"  
  
"Lovely" I hear Jacob say. Malek continues.  
  
"OUR TOK'RA OPEATIVE HAS GIVEN US THE INTEL THAT HERA INTENDS TO RECLAIM HER PLACE AS A SYSTEM LORD. SHE WAS ORIGINALLY OVERTHROWN 200 YEARS AGO BY HER FIRST PRIME, AND HAS BEEN BELIEVED DEAD EVER SINCE. NOW, SHE IS BUILDING SHIPS AND AMASSING ARMIES, AND PLANNING AN ATTACK ON THE SYSTEM LORDS. SHE ALREADY HAS A FEW MINOR GOA'ULDS WHO ARE LOYAL TO HER, AND THEY ARE GATHERING TROOPS IN HER NAME. GENERAL, WE HAVE TO STOP HER".  
  
"Yeah, AND ALSO, that Goa'uld happens to be Sam" I say, a little too emotionally, but Jacob, Daniel, Teal's and Hammond nod their heads as well. They feel the same. I smile at them gratefully.  
  
"Major Carter is the priority in this mission" General Hammond says gravely "Colonel, you're primary mission is too retrieve Major Carter, but if you do manage to blow up anything along the way, which you so often do..." He smiles at me, and I nod, but then I realize something.  
  
"Er... general, as much as I want to do this, there is the small matter of my resignation. I'm not a member of the air force anymore".  
  
He smiles deviously "Are you sure, Colonel?"  
  
"Yes" I reply. "I sent you a letter and everything" He disappears in to his office for a moment, and then returns, carrying a piece of paper.  
  
"You mean this?" He says, slyly. "Colonel, I never processed this. You have for the last three months, been on extended leave, due to extreme mental duress".  
  
"You told them I was crazy!" I say, incredulously.  
  
"Not crazy, Colonel, just in need of a break. Now that's cleared up, I am assigning SG1, SG3, and SG5, as well as Jacob and Malek, to the rescue mission. Go and get geared up Colonel, and bring her home"  
  
Not needing being told twice, I dismiss my self from the room, and run down to the locker rooms, with Daniel and Teal'c follow me. SG3 and SG5, are already there, waiting. I smile at them.  
  
****  
  
We are all in the gate room now. We all know some of us are not going to make it, but we all want her back. We stand to attention as General Hammond enters the room.  
  
"At ease" He says "SG1, SG3, and SG5, you have a go. Go bring her home everyone"  
  
TBC  
  
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Ooooh, even I'm getting excited now, lol! Please tell me what you think! 


	10. Rescue

Thanks for the reviews, still putting off revising for exams, and still using this as an excuse. Here's chapter 10!  
  
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"SG1, SG3, and SG5, you have a go. Go bring her home everyone"  
  
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Chapter 10 – Rescue  
  
SG3 go in first, with the rest of us following. When we get to the planet, SG3 are already dead, and the place is surrounded by Jaffa. We don't stand a chance. Everybody drops their weapons to the floor, and puts their hands in the air, including me.  
  
The Jaffa lead us up the hill. It's another goddamn planet that has nothing but trees. We get over the hill, and everybody gasps. I haven't seen a site like this since the last time we were on the Tok'ra home world. There is a huge mother ship, and hundreds of gliders, and cargo ships dotted around, and what looks like thousands of Jaffa.  
  
The Jaffa take us to the ring device, and transports us up. Once we are up, one of them smiles at me evilly. "Our Queen Hera will be so glad to see you Tau'ri" he says, and we are led to a prison cell.  
  
"You know, this is getting way too old!" I yell at them, but they ignore me. I sink to the floor, and put my head in my hands "Well this went well!" I say, to no one in particular.  
  
"Colonel, I must sincerely apologize" says Malek, bowing his head "We could not have known Hera's army could be this large already"  
  
Any hope I had left went as soon as the force shield closed behind us. My mind is still reeling over losing SG3 so quickly. I look around the cell, and everyone looks the same as I do.  
  
Jacob has his head bowed, no doubt dreading seeing his daughter as a Goa'uld. Teal'c stares ahead silently, and surprisingly, so does Daniel. SG5 are trying to make light of the situation, but you can see in their eyes they've lost hope.  
  
Not knowing what to do, I result to my usual tactic of antagonizing the Jaffa guarding us. I don't know exactly why I do this, it doesn't achieve anything, quite the opposite in fact, as I usually get beaten half to death, but for some reason, it makes me feel better.  
  
"Hey, waiter!" I call to the Jaffa "Any idea where to go for room service?" His staff weapon comes within an inch of my face, and a look of sheer hatred fills him. Then suddenly, he calms, and takes his weapon away. "You will not be arrogant when Queen Hera is through with you Tau'ri".  
  
"So... no idea on room service then?" He mutters something in Goa'uld, and walks away. Another Jaffa walks up to him now, and says something. His rage subsides now, and he smiles at me. I know what's coming.  
  
"Come with me" He says "All of you" For once I go without a fight. The fear is now too great to try anything. We are lead down the corridor, and in to a small room, where some Jaffa are already waiting for us. They lead us to the centre of the room.  
  
"Kneel before your goddess" He says, and hits the back of my legs with his staff weapon, forcing me to the ground. More Jaffa do the same to the others.  
  
"Still no word on the room service then?" I say, my voice shaking now "You know, you're not going to get a very good rep..."  
  
"SCILENCE" comes a cry from the corner of the room. The others turn around, but I don't need to. I know who it is. I hear the footsteps getting closer, and I know any minute I will see her. I close my eyes, bow my head, and pray this isn't happening. But I know it is. When I open my eyes, I see her. She smiles.  
  
It's Sam.  
  
TBC  
  
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Wow, got tingles writing that – lol. Let me know what you think anyway!! 


	11. Evil

Thanks for all the reviews, I'm really getting in to this story now, and I think there will be a sequel, as I suddenly had a flash of inspiration last night when I was meant to be working. Anyway, here's chapter 11!  
  
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When I open my eyes, I see her. She smiles.  
  
It's Sam.  
  
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Chapter 11 – Evil  
  
The pain of seeing her this way is unlike anything I've ever experienced. The look of evil in her eyes terrifies me to my core. I can't take much more of this. I'd rather one of the Jaffa just shot me, than have to see her like this. See that look of pure evil.  
  
She paces up and down the line looking at each one of us in turn. I know soon she will come to me, and I don't think I'll be able to stand it. She hasn't said anything yet, but I know she will. She's getting closer and closer. She stares at Jacob hard, and I can almost feel the anger inside him. Finally, she gets to me.  
  
"O'NIELL" she says, very slowly, and calmly "I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WOULD TRY SOME PATHETIC, FUTILE RESCUE. I WAS EXPECTING MORE OF A CHALLENGE THAN THIS THOUGH" she gives a very small laugh, and continues "I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU ARE STILL TRYING THOUGH. I'VE TOLD YOU BEFORE" she bends down, still smiling, and whispers in my ear "NOTHING OF THE HOST SURVIVES"  
  
I can't take it anymore. I jump up, and lunge for her. "That's a damn lie and you know it!" I yell, but the Jaffa already have a hold on me. One of them points his staff weapon at me, but she signals to let it go, and instead they force me down to the ground.  
  
I look at the floor now. I refuse to look at her, because I know that if I do, I won't be able to control myself.  
  
She paces up and down again. She gets to Daniel. "WHAT IS THE ACCESS CODE FOR YOUR IRIS?" she says. Daniel says nothing, just looks straight ahead. "ANSWER ME!" she yells. Still he says nothing. She gets to Jacob "WHAT ARE THE CO-ORDINATES FOR THE TOK'RA HOMEWORLD?" he stares at the floor, just the same as I do. She's getting pissed off now.  
  
"TAKE THEM AWAY!" She signals to her first prime. They start to lead us away, until she says "WAIT. LEAVE O'NIELL HERE" She offers no further explanation, so they do as she says. The familiar feeling of dread comes over me, and the worry that I might not be able to prevent myself from revealing anything.  
  
She still hasn't said anything. She just stands there smiling. Eventually, she saunters over to a small golden table in the corner of the room, and picks something up. I don't even have to look. I know what it is. She slips the hand device slowly on to her wrist, and walks back over to me.  
  
"YOU WILL TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW O'NIELL. WHAT IS YOUR GDO CODE?"  
  
I still don't answer her. And then it comes. The intense pain that I knew it would bring. All over my body I feel white hot knives stabbing in to me, and my head feels like it's about to explode. Pain runs through my body, coursing up and down my veins. Just when I get to the point when I think I can stand it no longer, the pain subsides. She's stopped. For now.  
  
"THAT IS ONLY A TASTE OF WHAT IS TO COME TAU'RI" She says.  
  
"You can torture me all you want, I won't tell you anything" I reply, even though in my heart I know I can't take much more of this.  
  
"VERY WELL" she says "SIT DOWN" She signals at the chair beside her. I don't move. I can't work out what her game is yet, and until I can, I'm not going to move. She signals at a Jaffa in the corner, and he leaves the room. Within a few moments he is back, carrying a jug full of a liquid that looks suspiciously familiar.  
  
"YOU MUST BE DYING TO QUENCH YOUR THIRST" She whispers to me. "TAKE SOME" I still don't move. She signals to the Jaffa again, and he grabs my hair, forcing my head backwards. I feel the liquid slide down my throat, and all I can do is pray and pray that I don't reveal anything.  
  
I sink to the floor. My mind suddenly feels fuzzy and clouded. I try to think about what I'm doing, but I suddenly become very tired. I try to focus on her, but my vision goes all blurry. I can hear her laughing, but the sound suddenly becomes very muffled. I feel my body fall to floor, but I don't feel the pain that comes with it. Slowly, I feel my self drift out of consciousness, and the world fades to grey.  
  
***  
  
"Jack?" I hear someone calling my name. The voice sounds familiar, but not one I've heard in a long time. I try to open my eyes, but they've become very heavy.  
  
"Jack?" There it is again. I force my eyes open, but my body still feels too heavy to lift. There is a figure standing over me, but my eyes are still blurry. Slowly they refocus, and I gasp when I see who it is.  
  
It's Sam. Not Goa'uld Sam, but Sam. My Sam. She smiles at me.  
  
"I thought you were a Goa'uld" I say faintly "What's going on?" She presses a finger lightly to my lips, and smiles again.  
  
"Jack, it's OK. I'm all better now. The Goa'uld is gone" I suddenly realize what she's said, and drag my body up, despite its protesting.  
  
"Oh, Sam, I thought I'd lost you" I say to her, feeling the sobs coming. She pulls me in to an embrace, and rock back and forth, very slightly.  
  
"Shhh, it's OK, you didn't lose me. I'll never leave you Jack" She releases me from the embrace, and looks in to my eyes, raising her hand to stroke my cheek.  
  
"Sam" I say "I have to tell you. I have to tell you how I feel"  
  
"It's OK" She says. "I know. And I feel the same" Her lips brush mine, and I pull her towards me. I kiss her properly now, and hold her tightly. Her hands brush through my hair, and come to rest on my shoulders.  
  
She pulls back, and looks at me "Jack, we need to get back through the gate. We've got to hurry" A tiny flicker of doubt begins to form in my mind. I want to dismiss it, because I feel so happy, but I can't.  
  
"Jack" She says "I need the iris code. I can't get back home unless I have the iris code."  
  
"Why do you need to know that?" I say "You already know" She starts to get angry.  
  
"Jack, just give it to me. GIVE IT TO ME!!" Her eyes flash, and the Goa'uld resurfaces.  
  
"PERHAPS THE TOK'RA WILL BE MORE FORTHCOMING" She says, her eyes glittering with disappointment and rage. "TAKE HIM AWAY!" She yells to the Jaffa.  
  
TBC  
  
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Oooh. Getting excited now, lol. Let me know what you think anyway! 


	12. The Things We Do For Love

Was going to wait until tomorrow to write this, but once again am bored, as have no social life to speak of. I'm not completely happy with this chapter – I knew what I wanted to happen in my head, but had a hard time explaining it in words. I don't know if that makes any sense. So here's chapter 12! Please be nice!  
  
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"PERHAPS THE TOK'RA WILL BE MORE FORTHCOMING" She says, her eyes glittering with disappointment and rage. "TAKE HIM AWAY!" She yells to the Jaffa.  
  
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Chapter 12 – What we do for love  
  
Suddenly, as they drag me away, my mind becomes very clear. All the effects of what ever she gave me disappear, and I'm left with the mixed feelings of relief, that I didn't give anything away, and the pain of thinking that she might have come back to me.  
  
I know what I have to do now though. Still slumping, I pretend to be unconscious. Thinking that I'm not awake, he hasn't bothered to protect his Zat gun. I see my chance, and I go for it.  
  
I reach for the Zat, and before he knows what I've done, I've shot it twice, and the Jaffa falls, lifeless, to the floor. The Goa'uld turns, and she raises her hand. But I'm too fast for her. Once again, I find myself shooting at her, and once again, she crumples to the ground, but this time, I catch her before she hits the floor.  
  
She opens her eyes, and the Goa'uld isn't there. It's Sam looking at me. I must have knocked it out, or something. Whatever it is, I don't care. She's back.  
  
"Jack?" She says weakly "Jack I'm so sorry" She starts to cry "God, what have I done?" She whispers, no doubt some of the memories are flooding back to her.  
  
"Hey, hey come on. It's OK" I say, cradling her in my arm. She suddenly sits up, and looks at me. "Colonel, there's a Tok'ra operative. On board. Hera knows about him, but he doesn't know she knows. You have to warn him. Colonel, you have to..." She drifts off, and her eyes flash. The Goa'uld is back. She rises to standing.  
  
"YOU WILL DIE FOR THIS TAU'RI" She cries, and raises a Zat at me. I can't shoot back, I'll kill her, so I close my eyes, and I wait for the blast to hit me. But nothing comes. I open them again. She still has the Zat pointed at me, and I can't work out why she hasn't fired it. But then I look at her face. The expression she's wearing, looked as though she was fighting something and the way her hand was shaking, looked as if someone was trying to force it downwards.  
  
Then I look in to her eyes, and there's this little flicker of something. It's very faint, but I can see it. It's Sam. She's fighting the Goa'uld. I know it won't be long before the Goa'uld regains control, but there's nothing I can do.  
  
Then suddenly, her face goes blank, and she crumples to the floor again. Not thinking about what I'm doing, I scoop her up in to my arms, and hold her tightly. The thought occurs to me that she could wake up any second, but I don't care anymore. All I care about is saving her.  
  
Still carrying her in my arms, I run down the corridor, to the room where SG5, Daniel, Teal'c, Jacob and Malek are. The Jaffa guarding them never sees me coming.  
  
I go to the room, but they're not there. Panic rises through me, but then I hear a voice from behind me.  
  
"Looking for someone?" I turn around. It's Daniel, and behind him are Teal'c, Jacob, Malek, and SG5. Then behind him, I see someone else. I raise my Zat, but Daniel yells at me not to shoot. "Jack, this is Caleb, of the Tok'ra. He, er... gave us a little help". The Tok'ra bows his head.  
  
"It is an honor to meet you O'Neill" He says. Then they all see who I'm holding in my arms. Jacob, although obviously very confused, looks like he's going to hug me. Even Teal'c smiles.  
  
"Let's get out of here" I say.  
  
"I can transport us all, via the rings, to the planet, where we can escape through the star gate" Caleb says. I have never felt so grateful to a Tok'ra before.  
  
"Well then let's get the hell out of here!" I yell, and begin to move. They're all still standing there, bewildered.  
  
"Jack, how did you..." Jacob begins, but I interrupt him.  
  
"Jacob, I will tell you everything, but not right now" I say, feeling strangely calm about the whole thing. It seems a good enough explanation to him, and we start to run down the corridor.  
  
"Er... Jack?" Daniel says, suddenly going pale. "We, er..., we had a bit of extra time on our hands, and well, you know what General Hammond said about a secondary mission, well, we er... well, we have exactly 7 minutes before the ship explodes"  
  
"What?" I yell, feeling like I want to kill him. But there's no time. I'll kill him when we get back.  
  
Without saying anything else, we run as fast as we can to the ring room, and as soon as I feel my feet touch the planet I run towards the gate. Teal'c dials out, and I punch in my GDO code.  
  
I run full pelt towards the gate, and throw me and Sam through it. We roll down the ramp to the bottom, and I find myself staring up at General Hammond.  
  
Before I know what's happening, they've lifted Sam out of my arms, and are lifting her on to a gurney, complete with a full set of restraints. I pull myself up to standing.  
  
"The Tok'ra are already here, Jack, and they're preparing to remove the symbiote as soon as she gets to the infirmary" He pauses, realizing I'm still dazed, and looks at me" Jack, you brought her home".  
  
*** I'm sitting outside the infirmary now. I have been for about an hour. Jacob, Daniel, and Teal'c wait with me. We're all silent, none of us can think of anything to say. I went briefly through what went on before I rescued her, leaving out the bit where I thought she came back. I don't think I will ever tell anyone about that. Then we lapsed back in to silence.  
  
My musings are interrupted by Janet clearing her throat. We were all so deep in thought that none of us noticed. She's smiling, and breaths a relieved sigh.  
  
"We've successfully removed the symbiote. She's conscious, and physically, she's fine. But it might take longer for the emotional side to heal" She turns to me "Colonel, she's asking for you"  
  
Without another word, I rush in to the infirmary, and I see her. She looks so fragile, and although I don't think she's lost any weight, she looks a lot smaller than she used to. It's her though. I can see. It's her. She sees me, and starts to cry silently.  
  
I move closer to her bed. "Hey Carter" I whisper "Scared us there for a while. But don't worry, it's going to be OK" With that, she throws herself in to my arms, and I feel the sobs shaking her tiny body. And then as I'm telling her, it suddenly starts to sink in. It's OK. She's back now, she's OK.  
  
And I hold her as tight as I can.  
  
TBC  
  
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Getting near the end now. Tell me what you think!! 


	13. Healing

Thanks again for the reviews, I know I say it every time, but I really am grateful. Sorry I haven't updated for ages, but it's bank holiday weekend over here in the UK, and on a bank holiday everybody suddenly decides there's hundreds of jobs to do, and insist on yours truly helping them. Anyway, here's chapter 13!  
  
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She's back now, she's OK.  
  
And I hold her as tight as I can.  
  
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Chapter 13 – Healing  
  
She's been back for four days now. She spent the first two in the SGC, under close observation, and then insisted on going home after that. I haven't seen her since she left.  
  
I roll over in bed and look at the clock. It says 3:15 am. I groan, and turn over again. I don't know what woke me up, I didn't wake up suddenly, with a jump, I just became slowly drifted in to consciousness.  
  
Trouble is, now I'm awake I can't stop thinking about Sam. I missed her so much while she was gone, and I know I promised myself that if she was OK, I would tell her how I felt. Trouble is, I made that pledge to myself when I didn't think she was coming back. Now, it's harder to tell her than I thought.  
  
I could come up with a million reasons why I haven't said anything. I could say that there hasn't been a good time, or I don't know if she feels the same way. But that's bullshit. There have been plenty of times I could have said something, and I know she feels something for me, the damn Za'tarc test told me that much. The truth is, I'm just too much of a coward to say anything.  
  
I don't know how she's feeling right now. I hope and pray she'll be OK, but the thought is at the back of my mind that she won't be. She's strong, I know she is, but how much can a person really get over something like this?  
  
I make another silent prayer for her to be OK, and try to get back to sleep. I feel myself drifting off, when I can hear, coming from somewhere in the house, a very faint knocking. My worn out body tells me to ignore it, that it's nothing. But that old air force instinct is willing me to go check it out.  
  
I pull myself out of bed, and wonder out of my room, too plagued by sleep to walk properly. As I get to the bedroom door, the knocking becomes louder, and I can hear it more clearly. It's coming from the front door.  
  
It's very frantic knocking, and it doesn't stop. Whoever is there isn't going to take no for an answer. Which leads me to another question – who the hell is calling at 3:15 am?  
  
I open the door slowly. It's Sam. My mouth drops open, but it's not her being here that shocks me. It's her. She looks terrible. She's still in her Pajamas, all she's done is throw her shoes and coat on over the top. Her hair is disheveled, she hasn't bothered to brush it, and she obviously hasn't taken her make up off from the night before, so consequently it is now smeared all round her eyes.  
  
But the thing that shocks me most of all, is that she's crying. I've seen her cry before, but never like this. Before, she's turned away, tried to stifle them before they get too bad. But this time, it's like she doesn't care. They fall freely down her cheeks, and she doesn't even attempt to wipe them away.  
  
"Oh, god" She whispers. I don't say anything; I don't know what the hell to say. "I thought you were dead. I, I had a dream, that she killed you, but then I woke up, and it was so real, and I didn't know whether it was a dream or a memory. I couldn't remember, and I had to find you, and I, I..." she's almost hysterical from sobbing now.  
  
I don't say a word. Instead I take her hand, and pull inside, out of the cold. Then I hold her in my arms, as tight as I can. Once again I feel the sobs shaking her body, I hold her tighter now. She's freezing. I want to go get her a blanket or something, but I'm afraid if I let go, she might break down completely.  
  
I hate seeing her like this. She always seems so strong, and while I worry sometimes it's just an act, I can dismiss it, and pretend everything is OK. Because then I don't have to talk to her. Because if I talk to her, I might have to acknowledge these feelings inside.  
  
But know it looks as if I was right all along. She isn't as strong as she looks. But the truth is, this makes me love her even more, because now I can see, she's human, just like the rest of us.  
  
***  
  
I wake in a chair a few hours later, with a terrible cramp in my neck from sitting in one position for so long. She fell asleep in my arms the night before, so I lay her down on the sofa, covering her with a blanket.  
  
I should have gone back to bed then, but she looked so fragile, lying there, sleeping, that I was afraid to leave her, so I sat in the chair, watching her sleep. I didn't think sleep would come for me that night, but I must have drifted off eventually.  
  
I try to open my eyes, and try to wave off the last bits of sleep. I look over to the sofa, and she's gone. Panic starts to fill me, until I see the note on the coffee table, written in her neat writing.  
  
Colonel, sorry about last night. Thank you for being so understanding. Gone back home to get some things, then going to the base. Once again, sorry. Carter.  
  
I laugh at this note. She was so upset last night, yet she was worried about imposing on me. I smile as I think to myself, no matter how long I know her, she will always surprise me.  
  
***  
  
I get dressed and head to the base myself. I check all her usual haunts, her lab, the commissary, the gate room. She's not in any of them. Worried now, I go to General Hammond's office. I knock on the door, and open it.  
  
Relief fills me when I see her in there. She looks marginally better than last night. But she still looks pale, and I think she's lost some weight. She stands up when she sees me.  
  
"Colonel" She says, looking a bit uncomfortable. She's embarrassed that I saw her that upset. "There's er... something you should know" She takes a deep breath, and suddenly, she can't meet my eyes anymore. Instead, she stares at the floor.  
  
"I'm leaving, sir." She clears her throat "I'm resigning from the air force and from the SGC" I stare at her, incapable of doing anything else.  
  
Finally I get the words out "Resigning, why?" But they sound very choked up. I tell myself to keep my cool, but once again, it's getting harder.  
  
"Sir, I don't think I can continue to work in the SGC effectively. Too..." She struggles now, and her voice is becoming thick with tears. "Too much has happened now, there are... there are too many bad memories, and I don't think..." Not able to fight the tears any longer, she runs from the room, not even bothering to excuse her self.  
  
I turn to General Hammond. "Tell me you're not OK with this?" I say incredulously. He shakes his head.  
  
"No, Colonel, I am not OK with this. But ultimately it is Major Carter's decision, and I intend to stick by her, no matter what she wants, and I think you should do the same".  
  
I can't listen to any of this. I leave his office. I have to find Sam. I have to make her change her mind.  
  
If she leaves, then I might not see her any more, and the thought of that scares me so much.  
  
She's in her office, packing stuff in to boxes, still fighting the tears. She looks up, and sees me. She gives a half smile, but it's one of those 'brave smiles' she gives people. She still doesn't realize I can see right through it.  
  
"Please don't leave" is all I can say. She looks up, and sighs.  
  
"Colonel, I have to. I can't be at this place anymore. I can't go back through the gate, I just can't. Sir, please try to understand".  
  
"Sam, you're resigning. You call me Jack now" I say bitterly, and I can see how much the comment hurt her, but I can't help it. When I'm hurting, I lash out at people, usually people I care about. It's what drove Sara away, and I pray it won't drive Sam away.  
  
"Where are you going anyway?" I say, trying to calm down, to act rationally.  
  
"Denver, to stay with my brother for a while. Jack... I don't want to stay in Colorado Springs, but... but I would, if I had a reason to. Can you... can you give me a reason to?" she says, her eyes hopeful.  
  
But once again, I can't say it, and once again, I find myself lashing out.  
  
"Sam, if you want to go, you should go" I say, not even believing I'm saying it. I see the hurt flash in her eyes, just for a second, before the defenses go up, and the anger is there.  
  
"Fine" she says, grabbing her box of things, and heading out of the door.  
  
TBC  
  
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Ooooh. Let me know if you want more!! Please R n R!! 


	14. Feelings

Well here it is, the penultimate chapter. Just this and the epilogue to go. Thank you for the reviews, I have got an idea for a sequel, so let me know if you're interested, but I might do some stand alone fics for a while, as I haven't got the time for extended pieces. Anyway, here's chapter 14!  
  
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"Sam, if you want to go, you should go" I say, not even believing I'm saying it. I see the hurt flash in her eyes, just for a second, before the defenses go up, and the anger is there.  
  
"Fine" she says, grabbing her box of things, and heading out of the door.  
  
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I walk as quickly as I can out of the base, and when I feel the tears coming, I break in to a run, not caring about all the looks I'm getting from people. The tears are running down my cheeks now, and my vision is getting blurry from the ones in my eyes. I try as hard as I can to stifle them, but they just keep coming.  
  
When I finally get to my car, I climb inside, rest my head on the steering wheel, and let them come. I'm too tired to fight them anymore. The sobs make my body shake.  
  
How could he say that? Do I really mean nothing to him? All these years, the only way I've coped with feeling like this is knowing he feels the same way, and one day, there might be something more than friendship between us. But it appears I was fooling myself all along.  
  
When the tears eventually stop, I turn the ignition, and drive as fast as I can out of there. My driving is erratic, and I know I'm not concentrating fully, but I don't care anymore. I don't even know where I'm driving to. I just drive.  
  
***  
  
I've been on the road for about 30 minutes now. Just driving, to nowhere in particular. I've always found this soothing, and even now, I can feel myself getting calmer. The anger is subsiding. The trouble is, now the anger's gone, all that's left, is the pain. The pain of knowing I made a fool of myself. The pain of knowing that he doesn't love me.  
  
Just when I thought all the anger was going, I feel the engine in my car start to rattle, and the car starts to slow down. No! I think. This can't be happening. I feel like crying all over again.  
  
I pull over by the side of the road, and go to check out the engine. As I step outside, I notice for the first time that it's raining. It was only light before, but now, it's really starting to pour down. Perfect, I say through gritted. Just perfect.  
  
I take a look under the engine. The fan belt has broken. I feel so pathetic, and the tears start to fall again.  
  
I sit by the side of the road, not caring about the rain that's soaking me, not knowing or caring how much time is passing. I suddenly realize a car hasn't come past all the time I've been here, and it starts to dawn on me just how much trouble I'm in, and I feel more alone than I ever have done.  
  
Just in the distance, I see a car, and my spirits rise slightly. But then the car gets closer, and I recognize who it is. It's Jack. The last person on earth I want to talk to, and yet the one person I want the most. It doesn't make sense, even to me. He pulls up, and gets out of the car.  
  
"How did you find me?" I say softly, not even sure whether I care about the answer.  
  
"I followed you from the base, but I er... ran in to some trouble" He looks at my car, smoke still pouring from it "Looks like you did as well"  
  
"Why are you even here?" I say angrily, turn on my heel, and go back to my car.  
  
"Because I want to say, I mean, for what it's worth" He's struggling, I can tell, but I don't care. "I'm sorry" He says quietly "I never meant to hurt you".  
  
"Yeah, well congratulations, you did" I say, yelling at him, not caring about how much he is trying.  
  
"Sam" He says softly, and walks up to me, never looking away from eyes. I want to run, but as usual, as soon as he looks at me, I freeze. He reaches for my hands, and for once I don't protest.  
  
"I am so sorry for hurting you. I didn't want to. Please believe me, the last person that I ever want to hurt is you. Sam, when I thought I'd lost you, it hurt so much, and I never want to feel like that again. That's why I have to tell you".  
  
"Have to tell me what?" I say, trying to dismiss the hope, because I know he can't possibly mean what I think he means.  
  
"I love you" He says simply, still looking in to my eyes. Suddenly, everything else seems so stupid, and all the anger, and pain, and tiredness fade away. I reach up; resting my arms on his shoulders, and kiss him. And suddenly, nothing matters anymore. Not the SGC, or the air force, or even the damn Goa'uld. All that matters is us, here together, in this moment. No star gates, no alternate realities, no alien diseases. Just us here, together.  
  
I pull away slightly, and whisper "I love you too" He grins, and wraps his arms round me tightly. "The only thing I could think off, when that damn Goa'uld was stuck in me, was that I had to get back to you. I had to see you again. And then, when I came back, I thought you didn't care anymore, and it hurt so much". He raises a finger to my lips.  
  
"Sam, I'm so sorry. There were so many times when I wanted to tell you how I felt. But every time, I was so scared you wouldn't feel the same way, and I just couldn't tell you"  
  
"It's OK" I say, and kiss him again. This time he kisses me back, running his hands down my back, and holding me tightly. I don't know how long we stand there, it could have been10 minutes, it could have been a few hours. The only thing that I will remember is being there with Jack. And him holding me, until the light faded around us.  
  
TBC  
  
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Oooooh! As always, let me know what you think. Only the epilogue left now. Aaaw I'm getting quite nostalgic about it, lol PS, I really don't know what's going on, but there's something going screwed up with my ms word program, so if you see any random words or sentences o anything, it's not my fault, my computer's crap. Sorry! 


	15. Epilogue

Well here it is. Last chapter, can't believe it. Let me know after if you want a sequel, or anything else.  
  
Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed, I especially want to thank the following people for their continued help and support: NG, Macisgate, Jamei, Scifi Fan Gillian, Nikkibear 624, Mishy-mo, SamLover, Emowyen, Horsefly, ezcheese, Drako, becca, Natters, foxyfeline, plaid tiger, Kitty Pierce, daydr3am3r, and Lynn. Thank you guys!!!  
  
Well without further ado, here's the epilogue.  
  
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The only thing that I will remember is being there with Jack. And him holding me, until the light faded around us.  
  
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You know, I thought telling her I loved her would be the hardest thing I ever had to do. I always knew I would tell her, I love her too much just to let it slip by, but I always imagined it would be hard. But then I saw her, standing there, and somehow, I knew the time was right, and it was the easiest thing in the world.  
  
I watch her now. She has a suspicious smile on her face; she knows I'm up to something, but can't work out what.  
  
"What?" She says, slowly "What are you up to?"  
  
"Nothing" I say innocently. Then I take her hands, and lead her to the kitchen, where, unknown to her, I've set the table, complete with candles, and am in the middle of preparing dinner. She smiles.  
  
"Happy Anniversary" I say. She looks at me, confused.  
  
"Anniversary of what?"  
  
"The anniversary of the day we first met. You walked in to the briefing room, challenged me to an arm wrestle, pissed off all the other people in there, and I knew my life would never be the same" She smiles at me, the look of suspicion and confusion fading now.  
  
"I love you" She says.  
  
"I know" I say, resting my arms on her shoulders, and kissing her. The oven timer interrupts us, and, trying my best not to look irritated, I throw her a look of apology, and go to deal with it. She grins at me.  
  
"Dinner's ready" I say. She giggles.  
  
"I've got you trained pretty well now, haven't I?" I pretend to look offended, but she smiles, seeing right through it.  
  
"You know, I have been working away here for hours now, preparing a great feast for you, trying to get this just right, and this is the thanks I get?"  
  
"Oh, sorry, thank you" She says, trying to look serious, but breaking in to a fit of giggles. "I'm very grateful".  
  
"You should be" I say, handing her the plate, laden with alphabet spaghetti on toast. She looks at me, incredulous.  
  
"This is your great feast?" She says.  
  
"Well, maybe it's not a 'great' feast..." I say, trailing off, she starts giggling, and we sit down to eat.  
  
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I tried to be mad at him, for this 'great feast', but I can't stop laughing now. Trouble is, I can forgive him for anything these days. He's looking at me now, keeps asking if everything's OK, and I keep giggling and saying it's fine. I never used to giggle, until I met Jack, and now I can't stop.  
  
We finish our meal, and he gets up to start clearing away. I offer to wash up, thinking he would refuse, but surprisingly, he doesn't, handing me his plate. When I look at it, I nearly drop it with shock.  
  
On the plate, in alphabet spaghetti, are the words 'MARRY ME'.  
  
Not showing any emotion, I get up, and walk over to him, and pull him up. I hold his hands in mine, and look in to his eyes, and finally, when I don't think he can stand it any longer, I say it.  
  
"Yes"  
  
He smiles, a real genuine smile, that I don't see that often, and pulls me in to his arms.  
  
"I love you" He says.  
  
"Yeah, sure, you betcha"  
  
He smiles at me, and I giggle back.  
  
FIN  
  
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I intentionally left it a bit vague, so it gives me more options if I choose to write a sequel, so sorry if anyone was disappointed by the lack of detail. Anyway, thank you for reviewing, let me know what you think!! 


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